Funniest Lines (in and out of character)

Funniest lines of the night, as best as I could transcribe them. Feel free to correct or add.

Kristy: “Westley, do you want to play R2? He has kind of an unfortunate name for a baby.”

Matt: “Sorry I’m discombobulated, I got laid off this week.”
Shawn: “Did you leave a virus before you left?”
Matt: “No, because. . . actually, I don’t know why.”

Kristy, eating a donut: “Mmm, calamari.”
Shawn: “Good thing we don’t have any Aquilish here.”
Joshua: “What are you doing, those are our eggs!”

Shawn(Re: Harsol as a bard): “I still say he needs a lute. Ipanah wants to do that someday, heal people with the pretty speakies.”

Matt: “Unless you want to jump blind into hyperspace. Which I can run with, but it’s not this book.”
Joshua: “I feel like that book has fewer pages.”
Matt: “Also, don’t you have a limited amount of food? Especially with all these people on the ship?”
Joshua: “That’s a variable number, in several ways.”
Ken: “Reducing the number of people can create more food?”

Matt, on speeder bikes: “Light repeating blaster, but one shot from a blaster pistol blows you up. But you can totally it into the side of an AT-ST, bounce off, and keep going. That’s actually the best way to get out of an asteroid field.”

Matt: “I am going to laugh so hard if you get explosively decompressed partway through.”

Shawn (putting a donut on the table): “This is our ship.”
Kerry: “We’re a giant donut? I’m not happy about this, someone’s going to eat us.”
Matt (replacing the donut with a miniature): “This can be you, slow, fat, and happy.”

Joshua (as we run for a head-on attack): “So we shouldn’t be playing Star Wars music, we should have Dukes of Hazard.”

Matt: “Because it’s via computers, and I’m sure they figured out wi-fi.”

Matt: “You can just be medbay, for a very limited definition of bay. More like mednook.”
Shawn: “Make sure the passengers don’t get squishy.”
Matt: “That could be relevant soon.”
Heather: “And please put ‘mednook’ for your station.”

Heather being encouraging: “C’mon, Hussk, don’t suck this time. Ipanah’s doing her job.”

Joshua: “We’re going to have to blow the cargo bay, splatter their sensors with corpses and get the heck out of Dodge.”
Heather: “Have we tried throwing bodies at them? I feel like we’re running out of options here.”

Joshua: “I feel like this whole combat we’ve been taking it from the rear.”

Joshua: “I’m not proud of this, but. . .”
Heather: “You’re thowing bodies at them?”
Joshua: “I’m saying we run away.”

(Buying weapons)
“We should head to Hutt space.”
“I don’t like Hutts.”
“No one likes Hutts, but they have the stuff we want.”
“You can call it Jerk Space if you want.”
“Jerks are likely to have weapons, because they’re used to people shooting at them.”
“Or shooting at people.”
“Or selling weapons for people to shoot.”
“Or selling people to people who shoot things.”
“Or selling people to be shot by people they sold weapons to.”

“And a place that actually has stuff.”
“Hey, they have some very nice dirt here.”
“And apparently a heavy blaster.”
“Which might or might not fall off their ships.”

“Where’s the paper towel tube?”
“We told them it was a heavy blaster.”
“I love the fact that you would believe a paper towel tube is a heavy blaster. And your mechanic is like ‘wow, this draws no power.’”

Matt: “Cratala wants to go to Chiss space, far away from the Empire where she’s safe.”
Ken: “Maybe we should all go to Chiss space. That seems safer.”
Matt: “Not sure the Chiss would agree.”

Hossk: “R2-FU takes too long to say, I’m going to start calling him Fubar.”

Matt: “This is Star Wars. There is no such thing as GPS.”

Heather: “This is one of the dumber ideas we’ve ever had. I like it.”

Shawn: “Four successes, two threats.”
Matt: “OK, you pull out of the dive. . .”
Kerry: “That’s good.”

Matt: “It’s pretty casual when you’re not being chased by anybody. I mean, it’s an awful place, but. . .”

Matt, as NPC: “I don’t trust you around my boss with guns.”
Hossk: “No problem, we’ll send our doctor.”
Ken, out of character: “Do we trust them to send our doctor unarmed and unescorted?”
Hossk: “If he doesn’t come back, we’ll find him.”

Hossk, when the bazaar we’re shopping at gets attacked: “Okay, let’s earn a discount.”

Hossk, contacting the crew: “Smoked a Rodian. That’s probably gonna cause trouble.”

Joshua: “I know who the Trandoshans are! Those are the guys from the Wheel, I almost killed their boss.”
Ken: “Someday, we will meet another Trandoshan without you turning them into a recurring villain.”

Joshua: “Don’t forget your one-liners. I suggest ’we’re closed.’”

Matt: “I assume you were targeting one of the Rodians.”
Heather: “Yeah. We don’t need another kickface.”

Shawn: “She’ll do the sensible thing and aim first.”
Ken: “Wait.”
Kristy: “Are you playing her in character?”
Shawn: “Okay, I don’t aim.”

Ken: “You three should go, you’ve got more trouble.”
Kerry: “Trandoshans are more dangerous.”
Joshua: “As these guys are finding out.”

Shawn: “Anybody else look like they’ll touch my ship?”
Heather: “All of them.”
Matt: “The Rodians in particular will caress it inappropriately.”
Heather: “They have suction cup fingers, they leave the weirdest fingerprints.”

Doc: “Buy armor. Make my job easier.”

Joshua: “I will run over, chuckling as I realize the mechanic and the doctor are gunning down the first group. This is making my day. I am so glad I went to the Jawa Bazaar, this is the best part of my stay.”

Ken: “Hossk runs in, yells something in Trandoshan.”
Joshua: “It essentially translates into ‘Wookiee Banger.’”

Kerry: “Wait, he has a knife? Doesn’t he have claws?”
Heather: “Claws are not a k-nif.”
Matt: “Remember, in this game brawn and melee are two separate skills because the designers hate

Mike runs the craziest games:
“. . . the guests are all coming in for the banquet, and he says ‘I unveil the meat statue.’”
“. . . our rogue sneaks in, and it turns out the ship is powered by giant space hamsters.”
“. . . one of his hands replaced with a laser pistol, and the other with a chainsaw. . .”

Cratala: “Where’s my other nexu?”
Hussk: “In a few hours I could show you.”
Cratala: “Why a few hours?”
Hussk: “Well, you know, Trandoshan digestion.”
Harsol: “Wait, you ate the nexu?”
Oz: “Have you worked with Trandoshans before?”
Harsol: “Can’t say I have.”
Oz: “Then let’s call it a species and cultural difference, and the less said about it the better.”
Harsol: “Is the thing about Palpatine true, or is he always this crazy?”
General consensus: “Kinda both.” “Yes and yes.” “Not mutually exclusive.”

Cratala, to Harsol: “I’m not going back and you can’t make me.”

Hussk, regarding Harsol: “I’m going to have a Hussk to heart talk.”

Hussk: “How would you like your own ship?”
Harsol: “Are you offering me you yours?”
Hussk: “No, I’m offering you theirs.”
Harsol: “The Imperial? You think we can beat them?”
Oz: “If not, we’re dead. Assuming we survive, you want their ship?”
Hussk: “Seriously, what’s the alternative?”
Harsol: “They’ll leave if they’re losing.”
Oz: “Our ship is armed.”
Harsol: “You think you can walk there in time?”
Oz: “Can I borrow a couple of those speeder bikes?”
Harsol, laughing: “Take as many as you like, none of them have worked in decades.”
Oz: “On it.” [Runs over to bikes]
(switching to out of character)
Matt: “So, you know what a car looks like when it’s up on blocks? Like that, but hover vehicles. These things are in all levels of disassembly, and none of them are anywhere near working.” Pause. “What the heck, roll it. Two red and one purple.”
Ken: “One triumph, one despair, one success, one threat.”
[General laughter, which continues over the rest of this conversation.]
Matt, eventually: “Ok, ok, I’ve got this. You get the speeder bike to work. It goes immediately into maximum thrust. Give me a pilot check.”
Ken: “One success, one threat.”
Matt: “Okay, you hit a hut, crushing its roof.”
Ken: “Oh, a building. I was picturing Jaba and thinking you hadn’t mentioned any Hutts when we arrived.”
Matt: “You hit a shack, crushing its roof, and bounce over the wall. The throttle is still on full and the brakes don’t work.”
[this works better than expected]
Matt, two checks later: “How are you making these pilot checks?”
Ken: “Mostly boosts from Shawn.”
Matt: “How is that working, anyway?”
Shawn: “You know, shouting advice over the commlink.”
Matt: “While fighting?”
[Shawn mimes blaster in one hand, commlink in the other]
Heather: “I feel like if I understood this, it would mean I was crazy too.”

Shawn: “I could use Let’s Ride to jump on the speeder bike.”
Matt: “You would have had to say it three rounds ago, and the speeder bike was nowhere near you.”
Ken: “The way the dice are rolling today, you would have stuck the landing but broken your leg.”

Matt: “Are any of you answering the lieutenant?”
Kerry: “Sure.” [Rolls dice, reports damage]
[Speeder bikes shoot bake, crits happen]
Matt: “That was a great conversation. You answered, they responded, there was a huge wall of text, you got downvoted into oblivion and you got compared to Hitler at the bottom of the thread.”

Ken: “At current rate, the screen lightsaber will show up in Episode 10.”
Kerry: “Or a tennis racket lightsaber.”
Ken: “Also works as a bug zapper.”
Kerry: “Don’t tell Oz.”
Kerry and Joshua (in unison): “Why would you put that up there? It’s so tantalizing!”
Ken: “I feel like there’s a movie I need to see.”

Matt: “He’s bigger than me in every dimension. Taller, wider, thicker, louder.”
Shawn: “More opinionated.”

Shawn: “Can Hussk’s corpse get a boost from the speech?”
Matt: “’Is Hussk’s corpse an ally’ I think is the more relevant question.”

Matt: “Two groups of really terrible shots.”
Heather: “And me!”

Shawn: “I’m going to run into the shed and try to fix another speeder bike.”
Ken: “Really?”
Shawn: “You piloted, that means I can fix things.” (after rolling) “That cancels out, that cancels out, really just a despair.”
Matt: “Not really knowing what you’re doing, you start trying to hotwire it, jump on, and it turns out you don’t know repulsors that well, so you basically turned it into a frag grenade made out of a speeder bike. The rest of you hear a kerthunk, see the building catch fire, and then a hover wheel goes bouncing across the battlefield.”

(After Valayne knocks a Stormtrooper off his bike)
Matt: “That removes him from the group for purposes of return fire. Which is at you this time.”
Shawn: “What happens to the speeder bike?”
Ken: “I assume it keeps going in a straight line until it hits something.”
Shawn: “It stops nicely at my feet?”

Heather: “We’re giving them something to pardon.”

Heather: “Somebody make a speech so I can get up.”
Joshua: “I’m working on it, but not with a speech.”
Shawn: “I’ll give a speech.”
Joshua: “You just blew up.”
Shawn: “I’m not over my wound limit yet. I’m at my wound limit, but not over it.”
Matt: “Harsol makes a speech.”
Shawn: “He’s basically a bard.”
Heather; “Heal me with your words, Harsol.”
Ken: “Slow down guys, I can’t type this fast.”
Shawn: “Somebody hand the man a lute.”
Ken: “Damn it Shawn, I’m still trying to get the last conversation.”

Matt: “Ipanah, you’re up.”
Shawn: “I’m going to stumble out of this burning building. . .”

Heather: “How does a corpse have its wounds healed by someone giving a speech?”
Matt: “How does anyone have their wounds healed by hearing a speech? This is Star Wars, just go with it.”

Matt: “Harsol fires his heavily-modified blaster, and kills a stormtrooper outright. Unfortunately, the blaster blows up, taking his hand with it. He falls over screaming in pain, which is not exactly inspiring.”
Heather: “Everyone put your boost die away! Our leader is down!”

Shawn: “The guy who really needs the stimpack is unconscious outside the wall.”
Matt: “I will let you make a light ranged attack to throw the stimpack at him from the top of the wall.”
Ken: “Seriously?”
Matt: “Star Wars.”

February 2018

(trying to recap previous session)
“I do remember that, sketchy guy inviting you back to his apartment.”

Shawn: “Ipanah thinks she should go so at least somebody knows how to fight.”
“Maybe she should stay with the ship in case we need to make a quick get away.”
“Good idea.”
“Something could go wrong.”

Ipanah: “I should practice my lightsaber skills.”
Oz: “You should do that far away from anybody.”
“Or the ship.”
Ipanah: “First I have to build a new one.”

(Astrogration check)
Ken: “Two triumph, three success.”
Matt: “Okay, the ship vanishes into pure light. . .”
Kerry: “Things move out of our way.”
Shawn: “We save time by blasting through six stars on the way.”
Matt: “So, Oz being bored for the last three days, has checked out all the planets in between, and found a new merchant-friendly hyperway that just opened and no one else realizes is there yet.”

Ipanah: “Sen-sors. Those are the things that tell us when we’re about to hit something, right?”
Oz: “They do have other uses.”

Shawn: “All you have to do is get a stormtrooper helmet, poke holes in the top for the horns. . .”
Matt: “If you want to do that, I won’t stop you.”

Heather: “My gun’s still set on stun.”
Ken: “Probably good, since they’re just police officers doing their job.”
Heather: “Do I know that?”
Matt: “The ship’s internal systems just shouted ‘ISB, you’re under arrest!‘, so you have some slight clue.”
(realizing that the ship’s crew is still sedated, and government may not know the ship was hijacked)
“Are they here for us, or here for them?”
“We all just sneak out the back?”
“Here they are, we got them first!”
“We’re pre-cognitive bounty hunters.”
“Quick, give them a shot of adrenaline and shove them into the cargo hold.”

Matt: “Wait, when you say cops, do you mean the ISB agents? Because they’re Imperials.”
Ken: “Really? I thought they were just local cops who got pulled into this.”
Heather: “No, they were shouting ‘Hail Palpatine!’ as they arrived.”

Funniest Lines (in and out of character)

Coruscant Disco Targilnar kenbrands